Time To Let Go

Alex was a 50 year old man who had been in a sexless relationship with Delilah for five years. The problems were not physical or emotional rather Delilah simply wanted him to put a ring on it before they got between the sheets.  Alex however felt strongly that sexual compatibility was important before taking that step; in short they were at a standstill. 

I met with each of them independently and soon realized that nothing in this relationship was going to change and they likely would never consummate the relationship. Alex was bothered horrifically by this and he became obsessed with trying to figure it out, his tolerance level being shot he sought the services of prostitutes to satisfy his sexual needs. In spite of this he still desired Delilah and was unable to accept that she did not desire him.

I explained to Alex that sometimes in life we do not know why certain things in are just not meant to be understood. I could relate to Alex’s frustration as I, like Alex like to figure things out by nature.   Alex could not get this situation off of his mind and he was starting to obsess about Delilah.

We worked through using mindfulness cognitive behavior techniques such as simply looking at a building or a tree whenever she came to mind.  The mind is very powerful and Alex would need to engage his mind to overcome his obsession.  Daily meditation would be important as well and it would be beneficial in helping him get over Delilah.

As we all have a tendency to do, Alex placed the blame on Delilah and said he was very angry with her.   Whenever one feels wronged in life, the easiest thing to do is to blame the other person.  I was adamant Alex take a look at himself and see how he contributed to this situation. After all, he had let it go on for quite some time.

Alex had some patterns of behavior where he avoided conflict. He also said that his mother had gotten in the way of many of his past relationships as they were not to her liking.  It was time Alex stood up not only to his mother but also to Delilah who had taken control of his sex life and getting in the way (although he allowed this) of a healthy relationship with someone else.

After months of working together using the above techniques and supporting Alex through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and finally acceptance, he decided he needed to tell Delilah that he was moving on.  He asked me if he thought he should do this alone with her or if it would be alright if the two of them made an appointment and he told her with me there as a mediator.  I agreed to do whatever he felt was best.  Alex was very frightened of Delilah’s response.

Alex and Delilah arrived early for their appointment.  Alex had prepared what he was going to say, keeping it short was key.  Alex who was a much calmer man than the one who walked into my office the previous year, was confident and forthright with what he had to say.  He told her that he thought she was so beautiful and lovable but he was no longer interested in a relationship with her on any level because the intimacy which rightly so, was very important was sorely lacking.  He asked her to remove her things over the weekend.   Delilah held his hands in hers and put her head down. He said thank you, thank you for these years and thank you for understanding.  A few tears fell from both.  They wiped each other’s tears, then stood up and walked out the door never looking back. 

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