1st Date Deal Breakers

Dating site WhatsYourPrice.com surveyed its members about the biggest first date dealbreakers and coming in at number 1 for both men and women was when the cell phone is turned on, they are turned off.  No surprise here but the others may.

For Women (based on responses from 63,460 members)

1.     Cellphone use – 30%
2.     Inappropriate touching – 28%
3.     Rudeness to wait staff – 14%
4.     Negativity – 11%
5.     Excessive drinking – 6%

For Men (based on responses from 45,349 members)

1.     Cell phone use – 25%
2.     Rudeness to wait staff – 21%
3.     Unengaged in conversation – 16%
4.     Negativity – 14%
5.     Excessive drinking – 11%

My first thought is that it is a well-known fact that people lie or bend the truth on dating sites, so I question whether the validity of some of the answers and am surprised that being in a relationship or married did not make the top five. Secondly, on some level it is comforting to see that men and women, according to this list anyway, are more alike than we are different.

That said, it is interesting to note that inappropriate touching was rated as #2 amongst women. I am curious if this indicates a desperate need for intimacy given our relationship with technology these days. The message is loud and clear. If you want to appropriately touch her one day, get a hold of yourselves, guys!

Ranking in the top 3 for men and women is rudeness to wait staff. This tells a lot about a person. It demonstrates how they feel about people who are in a subservient role by very nature of their career, that these people are just not as good as everyone else. That said, if a person treats others poorly, it may reflect their own insecurity and be a sneak peek of their values. They may not be as empathic as one could be.  We need to have a zero tolerance for treating others poorly.  If this happens on the first date, I would suggest you run long and fast.  This is a precursor as to how they may treat you in your relationship.  Again, run!!

As for negativity, who wants to be with a “Debby or Danny Downer?” Humans are about relationships and we are naturally attracted to sunny dispositions. Life is hard enough without a negative spin!

Excessive drinking makes the list for both men and women and I for one am happy to see this. Alcohol spells trouble for many people and it is often the cause for troubles in a relationship. Adult children of alcoholics face their own demons.  If someone is drinking heavily on the first date, pay attention, ask for the bill and give it to them.

It is easy for us to be in denial about many of these first date deal breakers especially, if as women our biological clocks are ticking or if men have pressure from families to marry. However, pay attention to these deal breakers you want the one to spend the rest of your life with and let’s be honest these could very well be signs of your future life if you stick around.

 

Trust, Betrayal and Ashley Madison

Thinking of cheating? Well think again. These days although it is easier than ever to have an affair the reality is that it is even easier to get caught. This week’s alleged privacy data breach of Ashley Madison’s dating site for married people is confirmation that clandestine coupling is not for the faint of heart.

“Life is short, have an affair” is the company slogan. This lures people in much like a seductive mistress in a den of iniquity. Quite the tag line for an imperfect world where, in part because of the internet entitlement is the order of the day. Having our needs and secret fantasies met privately of course is a right.

I am surprised at the responses to the realization that extramarital affairs are common.  With some of the statistics of the website being around thirty seven million worldwide members to the two hundred thousand in Ottawa citizens in a city of eight hundred thousand, it seems that fidelity may be an unrealistic dream.  The nightmare of the alleged breach and exposure of people in Parliament makes it seem like affairs of the heart trump affairs of state. Perhaps we need to bring "the Donald" to Parliament Hill.

Many of my patients have confessed memberships in a club that boasts privacy in penetralia. They may have cheated for a plethora of reasons but the one common denominator is that they are all panicked. And so they should be, their right to privacy has been breached. But what about their partners?

What has surprised me above all else is the reaction to the cheating spouses as many people find this behaviour repugnant, forgetting their own foibles. So many people are irrationally angry with the cheaters. Many people who have expressed this sentiment to me have been targets of discrimination and hatred themselves.  

We can say it is human nature to judge others. It makes one feel better about themselves. Perhaps on one level, it builds one's self esteem, makes us feel better about ourselves and our choices. One may say “I smoked pot, ran a red light, beat my wife but at least I never cheated on her.” Do we get some satisfaction knowing someone was worse than we were? Who is to judge?

People in relationships and marriages cheat for a multitude of reasons and they stem from cultural to educational to psychological, emotional to relational. Many couples stop having sex for medical reasons and at the risk of hurting their partner may have chosen what they thought of as the most secretive spot to have their sexual needs and biological urges met.

Too bad for those men, they’re cheating dirt bags, and deserve no such discretion,” the hackers wrote in an online manifesto. “Too bad for Ashley Madison, you promised secrecy and didn’t deliver.”

Well as karma would have it, the trusted cannot be trusted. Those who cheated on their partners, those who breached their own marital vows and agreements with their husbands, wives and other life mates have been betrayed as well.  What goes around comes around comes to mind.

That said, my faith in humankind will be lost if the sexual desires, fantasies, nude photos and clandestine affairs of private citizens are splattered across the internet, like a modern day Scarlet letter on steroids.

It seems to me that 37 million people have been betrayed in this marital minefield from those who have been cheated on to those who have cheated to those who encouraged cheating.  Betrayal is one of the most damaging emotions as it cuts to the core of trust the cornerstone of any relationship.

Before we judge a person, we must walk in their shoes, walk their path traveled, live their fears, sorrow, pains and joys. We all have a story and only the truth is interesting. This is a sad story and all of the players deserve empathy and understanding. Judge lest ye be judged my friends.

 

Time To Let Go

Alex was a 50 year old man who had been in a sexless relationship with Delilah for five years. The problems were not physical or emotional rather Delilah simply wanted him to put a ring on it before they got between the sheets.  Alex however felt strongly that sexual compatibility was important before taking that step; in short they were at a standstill. 

I met with each of them independently and soon realized that nothing in this relationship was going to change and they likely would never consummate the relationship. Alex was bothered horrifically by this and he became obsessed with trying to figure it out, his tolerance level being shot he sought the services of prostitutes to satisfy his sexual needs. In spite of this he still desired Delilah and was unable to accept that she did not desire him.

I explained to Alex that sometimes in life we do not know why certain things in are just not meant to be understood. I could relate to Alex’s frustration as I, like Alex like to figure things out by nature.   Alex could not get this situation off of his mind and he was starting to obsess about Delilah.

We worked through using mindfulness cognitive behavior techniques such as simply looking at a building or a tree whenever she came to mind.  The mind is very powerful and Alex would need to engage his mind to overcome his obsession.  Daily meditation would be important as well and it would be beneficial in helping him get over Delilah.

As we all have a tendency to do, Alex placed the blame on Delilah and said he was very angry with her.   Whenever one feels wronged in life, the easiest thing to do is to blame the other person.  I was adamant Alex take a look at himself and see how he contributed to this situation. After all, he had let it go on for quite some time.

Alex had some patterns of behavior where he avoided conflict. He also said that his mother had gotten in the way of many of his past relationships as they were not to her liking.  It was time Alex stood up not only to his mother but also to Delilah who had taken control of his sex life and getting in the way (although he allowed this) of a healthy relationship with someone else.

After months of working together using the above techniques and supporting Alex through the grieving process of denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and finally acceptance, he decided he needed to tell Delilah that he was moving on.  He asked me if he thought he should do this alone with her or if it would be alright if the two of them made an appointment and he told her with me there as a mediator.  I agreed to do whatever he felt was best.  Alex was very frightened of Delilah’s response.

Alex and Delilah arrived early for their appointment.  Alex had prepared what he was going to say, keeping it short was key.  Alex who was a much calmer man than the one who walked into my office the previous year, was confident and forthright with what he had to say.  He told her that he thought she was so beautiful and lovable but he was no longer interested in a relationship with her on any level because the intimacy which rightly so, was very important was sorely lacking.  He asked her to remove her things over the weekend.   Delilah held his hands in hers and put her head down. He said thank you, thank you for these years and thank you for understanding.  A few tears fell from both.  They wiped each other’s tears, then stood up and walked out the door never looking back. 

For more information about sexual health and relationships please go to www.enertopia.com/sexualhealth

Her Husbands Affair

Jane a forty-five year old woman presented to my practice in an attempt to get over the affair her husband Dave had had had two years prior.  Jane mistakenly thought the affair was due to her appearance and to that end had a facelift, breast implants, a tummy tuck and vaginoplasty.

After all of the various surgeries Jane did not feel any better about herself or her marriage. In fact she felt empty on the inside.  It was not until her husband’s affair that Jane came to the realization that her marriage was in trouble. Being busy with their kids, her job and volunteer work, Dave came last. She finally admitted that they had been in a sexless marriage but never dreamed he would cheat. She like many women believed him to be “very patient” without consideration of his biological needs.

Jane burst into tears in my office as she said she felt tremendously guilty about another reaction she had to Dave’s affair.  As many women do, she said she would make him pay for cheating on her and that she did. She told her family of his indiscretion and they all browbeat Dave through guilt and shame.  In retrospect she realized that probably was not the best way to have dealt with this situation and she even more sorry that she had taken that step.

She admitted that she and Dave had just been going through the motions of a marriage and that neither one of them were very happy. She was sorry she told everyone about their private matters because now her family ostracized him.  She wanted to forgive Dave but was afraid of what her family might think.  She had many mixed emotions.

We talked about the trouble in the marriage before Dave’s affair.  It was difficult for Jane to even consider that her lack of attention toward Dave at a busy time of life may have contributed to his affair.  Jane was a type A individual, a perfectionist, dare I say a control freak who was not flexible and saw the world as black and white with no in between.

Sex and intimacy are integral aspects to a marriage, I explained to her. Though men have biological needs that differ from that of a woman, a feeling of neglect or under appreciation is no different for a man than a woman. As humans we seek these same feelings of love, being tended to and appreciation. The biological imperative just sends men in a different direction sometimes than woman to fill this void, and these situations can arise at any time depending on life’s curve balls.

Although they were still together and trying to work on things, she said they were clearly not happy. Any time they tried to be intimate she got angry as she kept picturing him with another woman and this made having sex very difficult, though this is something she still has not discussed with Dave.  

Jane has a lot of work to do beginning with accepting herself and her husband as human beings. The road ahead is a long one.  Once she deals with her own issues which may stem from behaviors she learned in her family of origin, she and Dave need to sit down and have a heart to heart about their desires, goals, needs and the direction to take their marriage.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

 

 

 

7 Tips To Increase Female Sexual Desire

Given my work as a sexpert, it is not uncommon for the topic of conversation to always revert in some way back to sex. To that end one of the more common subjects is low sexual desire in women. To be quite honest, men wonder about it as much as women do and many women think it is normal.  Many women simply will stop having sex with their partners and will not address it. While sex remains to be a a taboo subject, it is important to recognize that low sexual desire may negatively impact one’s relationship.

So how do women increase low sexual desire?

1.     Sex needs to be a priority. If you get out of the habit of having sex, it takes a lot to rev things up again.  Marriages can break down because of low sexual desire as it is one of the most important aspects of an intimate relationship.  Make time for sex, morning, noon and/or night. Sex need not always happen at night just before bed when people are the most tired, especially women.  Meet during lunch and slip away for a little afternoon delight somewhere discreet. It is exciting and will keep you aroused long afterward, every time you think about what you did and more important what you got away with. Just don’t get caught!

2.     Exercise. Sex is about blood flow so anything to increase blood flow is likely to help. There is some new research that demonstrates that an increase in heart rate variability which happens during exercise may increase sexual desire/arousal in women.

3.     Be Mindful. Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (MCBT). This is the ultimate of “being in the moment.”  Instead of thinking about work or what colour to paint your ceiling, think about your genitalia, the sensation and the increasing blood flow.  Focus, focus, focus on the pleasure at that moment. After all, it is all about pleasure, fun and enjoyment. Be in that moment.

4.     Fantasize. This works especially well in long term relationships where the sex may become dull and routine. You don’t have to think about that movie star which is unattainable when the hot neighbour or co-worker will do.  It is up to you whether you want to share that fantasy or not with your lover.

5.     Tie it Up! To be “lightly” tied up is the number one fantasy for women. Men why not ask your lover if she has ever thought of it (chances are she has). Then both of you head on down to the local department store and pick up some ties.  It all adds to the fun when the sales person is thinking he/she is helping you tie something down when it is actually tying your lover down, only with her consent of course.

6.   Bring in the Toys! Only 1/3 of women experience orgasm and 70% require clitoral stimulation. Many women take upwards of twenty minutes to experience orgasm. So bringing in the toys may help to attain that sought after orgasm and/or for those women who do, a vibrator may help to speed things up. Many toys today have a number of different settings to increase help with arousal. What works for one women many not work for another.  Think of sex toys as an enhancement not a replacement. Of course you will want to use medical grade silicone toys and water based lubes like V-Love so the toys do not lose their integrity.   Keep in mind, new partner? Then new toys. Also shopping together for new toys is part of the fun.!

7.     Get Back to the Bedroom. Or slip away to another spot like the kitchen, the shower, the family room, the beach or one of the soundproof bathrooms many restaurants have to offer. Basically it is meant to be fun and exciting so make it that way!!

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

 

 

 

Your Heart and Low Libido

Low libido? What your heart rate has to do with it.

My heart skipped a beat when I read about a new study published in the Applied Psychophysiology and Biofeedback journal which revealed a relationship between a woman’s sexual health, specifically her sexual desire and her heart rate variability. Heart rate variability (HRV) is the physiological phenomenon of variation in the time interval between heartbeats and is measured by the variation in the beat-to-beat interval.

Now before you start feeling for a pulse, understand that this was a very small study of 72 women between the ages of 18 to 39 but it is interesting nonetheless.  The women who had a lower than normal HRV also experienced low sexual arousal.

Low sexual desire/ libido is very complex for women and as variable as the variability of the beating heart.   Seeing a relationship between the heart and desire/arousal is exciting as sex is about blood flow for women just as it is for men. Maybe, just maybe this study can help shed more light on a women’s lack of interest for sex and provide a much easier solution.

This may be one component of sexual desire in women but a very important one at that.  Fatigue which is the most commonly known reason for low sexual desire in women may in fact relate to a decreased HRV. To determine HRV one needs some pretty damn fancy medical equipment, which is not accessible for everyone.  But that is no reason to give up. If you are in fact, experiencing low sexual desire, there is evidence to support that a healthy lifestyle that increases blood flow may help.

Now ladies what can we do to change that? Well get out and go for a jog, play some tennis or hit the gym.  Eat a healthy plant-based diet, decreasing alcohol consumption and managing stress will all help to increase blood flow.  (Poor stress management, is associated with decreased HRV). These solutions are simple and excuses just won’t cut it. Taking care of yourself is important and having a healthy sex drive, well that can also help to burn a few extra calories.

So guys, you have met a woman and you are wildly attracted to her but you are not sure about her sexual desire/libido.  This study suggests that if you want to have an indicator of whether or not the sex will be a part of your relationship or give a hint as to whether or not you are going to have great sex with her, you might just want to suggest a date that is a bit more active rather than sedentary, get your heart rates going a bit. It’s a well known fact exercise releases endorphins and endorphins make people happy, happy people like to have sex don’t they?

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

YES is Consent

If you have ever listened to the CKNW Sunday Night Sex Show or have ever heard me speak at an event, you have likely heard me say “men need sex”. While men applaud this phrase and women are learning to accept the nature of male sexuality, a relevant point must be made and that is the issue of consent. Men may need sex but not at any cost, they can have it any time or whenever they feel but only when a woman gives consent and that means saying YES at the time, while awake and oriented.

Historically, the responsibility of being raped or the risk of rape has been with women. In 2013, Zerlina Maxwell ignited a firestorm of controversy when she strongly recommended we stop telling women how not to get raped.  Rather, we must teach boys not to rape.  Ironically, Zerlina was the target of much on-line abuse, not uncommon for women who speak up.

The criticism about teaching boys not to rape is that it pegs all boys as potential rapists. The truth about rape is most women, are raped by someone that they know and trust. Rape is not something that happens to women who are not careful or properly dressed, for instance,  rape, on college campuses is commonly committed by those who are well known to the victim.  This is why rape prevention programs on college campuses are a vital aspect of dorm life because rape is so prevalent at this time and place.

The famous University of Montana rape cases outlined in the book Missoula, Rape and the Justice System in a College Town by John Krakauer demonstrates that the women who had been raped were the ones whose lives were ultimately ruined. Very few men suffered any consequence given the fact so many of them were revered sports stars.

Sex is about consent. So no yes, no sex.   There are a number of ways we can educate boys about saying yes and using analogies may help. 

  1. If someone says yes to an invitation to play ball or go to a movie and then on the way to the field or the theatre changes their mind, it is inappropriate to force them to get up to bat or purchase a ticket.  In other words, it is OK for someone to change their mind about playing a game, watching a movie or having sex.  A woman may have said yes initially but it is her prerogative to change her mind.
  2. Say you borrowed your friend’s set of golf clubs last week with their permission. The next week you run into them in their garage with their golf bag on YOUR shoulder.  Your friend asks what the heck you are doing with their golf bag. Well, I am going to play golf and you said I could use them last week. Well, that was last week.  Much like consenting to sex, just because a woman had sex with you last week does not mean you can have sex with her anytime.  That is rape.
  3. What if your friend mentions that one day that she would like a rose tattoo on her arm and then you decide to put a tattoo on her while she is passed out.  Even though your friend said she wanted it at some point does mean that you have the right to do something when she has no idea what is happening.

This underscores the need for sexual health education in the formative years. We need to teach boys about their own sexual urges and drives and what is and isn’t appropriate.  Consent is no longer about saying no, as many women especially if inebriated, or frightened to death will not have the wherewithal to say.

So consent is about saying yes at the time of the sexual encounter. Do both of you agree to engage in sex? If one does not say yes, then there is no consent which goes for the man or women saying no. 

For more information on sexual desire and health, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

When Vaginal Dryness Ends a Sexual Relationship

Belinda is a 52 year old women who had been married for about thirty years when she presented to my clinic. Belinda complained of vaginal itching and had experienced vaginal dryness. To deal with it said she was taking baking soda baths.

Belinda then told me that since menopause she no longer had sex with her husband as she hated it because it was so painful.  It had been two years since she and her husband had been intimate in anyway.

Belinda went on to tell me how her husband was angry all the time and how it had put a strain on their relationship. She knew that it was related to sex because although he had always been particular and a bit annoying, this behavior had increased tenfold since they stopped having sex.

Belinda had read many articles which discussed vaginal dryness and that many of her friends were experiencing vaginal dryness and had stopped having sex with their husbands also.  She felt badly that she could no longer please her man but had felt she had nowhere to turn.

When I explained that vaginal dryness could be managed by lubricants during sex like #V-Love or by using a vaginal moisturizer twice a week, she said her husband did not like to use a lubricant during sex.  She also added that she did not like the thought of putting anything in her vagina.

We discussed the fact that men have different biological urges and drives when it comes to sex and that there was a good chance that he may have an extramarital affair.  She said she had read that and knew it was a risk however she told him that if he strayed, she would leave him and never trust him again. She then said, “when my husband dies, I picture myself over his coffin saying “sorry for not pleasing you.”

We discussed her control of his sexual health and how unfair it would be that because she decided not to seek help, it would not only shut down her sex life, fine it’s her body, however it would also shut down his which simply is not right.  I asked her if she thought it was fair to be angry with him if he did stray when sex is purely a biological need for him and not about love. It was her that he loved.

She believed what I said but was still resistant to treatment.  I then mentioned that this condition could worsen to vaginal atrophy and she may experience irritative bladder symptoms like urgency and leakage. I could see that I had her attention now. That was something she did not want.

Given this new information, Belinda was willing to take the treatment that I recommended which was a vaginal moisturizer in either an ovule or a cream twice weekly after an eight day course.

Belinda returned to the clinic two months after our initial consult. She felt like a new woman and said that she started to feel so much better after about three weeks of the vaginal moisturizer.  She and her husband had resumed their sexual relationship, his mood had improved and everyone was happier. 

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

Checklist: Qualities in a Mate

It has been said when looking for the right woman it is vital a man find a woman who can “balance a cheque book.” Although this is seemingly important, there are certainly qualities about a person that men or women would want to consider when finding a life mate that may be a bit more important than a balanced cheque book. So here are a couple of things to consider if you are one of many who just has not found the “one” just yet.

1.     Everyone needs to be in a relationship with someone who can help them navigate this bumpy road called life successfully.  To that end, intelligence is key.  Given the male ego, it has been said that behind every great man is a greater women, but I think it might be better to say, behind every great individual is an even greater one. So we need to go beyond judging the book by its cover.

2.     Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. I am guilty of looking at couples from a physical point of view and thinking, how did those two every hook up? Then I quickly catch myself and realize that they must match on levels well beyond looks or appearance.

3.     You have heard the expression, “life is short” but in actual fact, life is long and there are many twists and turns along the way. It can also be mundane so it is important you find a partner who is vivacious! Having a partner who is curious, adventurous (both in and out of the bedroom) will improve your quality of life especially when it seems run of the mill. You are less likely to run if you are having fun.

4.     It is vital you are with someone in life who is willing to compromise as we are all stubborn in our own ways and may dig our heels in the ground. Change is a challenge for many. A healthy relationship is about making compromises after all no two people can be on the same page at the same time all the time.

When you meet that “one” and you fall in love, you feel a comfort, a security like none other.  When you hold that person or are in that person’s arms, you know you are meant to be nowhere else.  You feel the love of this person and know they will have your back, that you matter above all else.

However, above all, the most important aspect of any relationship, often overlooked and commonly underrated is the compatibility two people have in the bedroom. Having a great sex life cannot be overstated.  It is not something that needs to be learned, it just happens.  So many people choose a life mate because they “tick the right boxes.” There may be other boxes to tick but none so important as the power of the neurochemistry of love with lust.

So many patients I see in my clinical practice come to see me because of sexual discrepancy or low sexual desire. Making sex a priority when one is choosing a life mate is important to a happy and healthy life. Numbers 1 through 4 are important so do not discount them but come on we still need someone to rattle the headboard with and if it turns out to be with the “one” then you are lucky in love.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health 

 

When Did the Flame Go Out?

Learning the hard way: Why work, cleaning, errands and the kids should come after my husband does.

When Courtney first met her husband, as sophomores in college it was “love and lust at first sight” and they could hardly keep their hands off one another. Sex 301 was their favorite subject.  Courtney said she had never kissed anyone so passionately or had such desire for anyone as she had for her husband.  She described their sexual compatibility as nothing like she had ever experienced before spending countless hours in bed or anywhere for that matter  playing with and pleasing one another all through the night.

Courtney presented to my clinical practice with a look of defeat on her face. “Much has happened in the ten years since our glory days of freedom and sexual bliss,” she said.  They had graduated, gotten married and wasted no time starting a family. Two kids, two stressful jobs, a marriage, a mortgage and one extramarital affair pretty much sums up my life for the past decade, she said.   It seems I got on a treadmill wanting everything in my life to be perfect and I have learned recently that it is all a farce, one big lie.  

Courtney learned of her husband’s extramarital affair through some text messages she found when scrolling through his phone looking for his sister’s number. Some seven months prior, her beloved Scott had invited a woman out for a drink and the woman accepted right away.  There was evidence of them sexting back and forth over the past several months.  Credit card bills revealed purchases of flowers, dinners and lingerie.

Courtney was despondent. She said she was so depleted she could not really “feel” her emotions at this discovery. She wanted to be angry but she was even too tired for that. She noticed that Scott was on his phone frequently, but she assumed it was work related.

Courtney did not want to end her marriage but she wanted to take a look at herself instead as she knew she held some responsibility for his indiscretion. She wanted to see if she and Scott could get back to some semblance of who they used to be, a loving couple. As she said, she wanted to give her marriage the “old college try.” She knew her low sexual desire had contributed to Scott’s infidelity and understood that men have biological urges and needs different to women.

Upon looking at her own actions she discovered she gave to everyone else except for Scott.  A previous initiator of sex, she could not remember the last time she had made any moves. Could it be that Scott felt neglected?  Through stress and children her body was nothing like “College Courtney” and she found herself in “stretchy” clothing more often than not, lingerie being the last thing on her mind. Sleep not sex was on the forefront of her mind and she realized she and Scott were widely disconnected.

I applauded Courtney’s self reflection.  For men, sex is a biological need, when men are not having sex in their primary relationship, they may seek it elsewhere especially if they have lower self -esteem. Men sometimes just need to know that they still got it as their ego seems to be tied to their sexual prowess.

With her new found realization Courtney decided to take action to get her and Scott back on track. For starters, she sent a text message to Scott’s “lover”, unbeknownst to him, simply saying “not sure if you are aware but Scott is married with children.”  Scott and Courtney never talked about this text and she never heard back from the woman herself, further checking of Scott’s phone revealed the text messaging and sexting seemingly stopped.

Courtney’s next step was to start taking time out for herself every day, She changed her diet in an effort to lose weight, found ways to manage her stress better and had a set bedtime each night. After a few weeks, Courtney began to feel better about herself and she and Scott were connecting again. 

Finally starting to feel better about her body, she choose to initiate sex  by holding Scott’s face in her hands and kissing him passionately, telling him how much she loved him as she began to undress him.  He responded as she had only hoped he would. After suggesting he stay right there, she quickly tucked the children into bed and returned to set the mood with candles and then began caressing him as she continued to remove his clothes. She began to rub his back with massage oil asking him to hold her close, which he did. 

That night was the first time in a long time that they were able to put life and the time that had passed since those glorious college days to the side and be Courtney and Scott once again.  Though not a lot was said she looked into Scott’s  eyes and somehow she knew that taking some responsibility for the breakdown in their marriage and taking action in this way would not just set them back on track but on a new one.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

 

Same Time Next Year

Two years ago Susanne a clothing designer met Roger, a tax attorney after exchanging glances at a party and the attraction was instant.  After introducing himself, they talked at great length and had much in common such as a love of the arts, skiing and the guitar.  Susanne had a flight to catch so had to leave the party early but not before they exchanged numbers. Text me, were Roger’s parting words.  Susanne smiled and unwittingly took forever to take her eyes off of Roger.

Susanne sent Roger a text and said, it was a pleasure meeting you tonight, thanks for the laughs.  Roger texted back and said, the pleasure was all mine and please know when I think of you, I smile.  Susanne felt all tingly.  They began texting each other with Roger asking Susanne to meet him for a drink to continue where they had left off.  I find you very attractive Roger would text. I cannot wait to see you again. Susanne was getting nervous.

There was one secret Susanne had and she did not want to tell Roger.  For now, she was enjoying the fantasy. She felt very uncomfortable and wondered why she kept one of the most important aspects of her life from her new friend.  Or was he….just a new friend?

No harm Susanne thought in texting Roger. His texts were quite flattering and when it advanced to sexting, she found it quite arousing.  Their mutual sexting went on for months, with Susanne never accepting his invitation due to time constraints and a bit of fear. He was not available when she did the inviting and found that peculiar.

Then one day, Susanne ran into Roger on the street. He was walking with a woman and they seemed to be arguing.  As she walked by, she stopped him on the street and said hello. Immediately, the woman he was with introduced herself. “Hello, I am Jackie, Roger’s wife.

Even seeing him with his wife, Susanne could sense the attraction she had with Roger and she was certain his wife saw it as well.   In a strange way, Susanne was happy that Roger was married for that leveled the “playing” field so to speak.

What Susanne did not want Roger to know was that she had been married to Brad for the past fifteen years and bored in the bedroom for the last several. Also Brad was quite stressed with his job, which impacted their relationship.   Never had Susanne even so much as entertained the idea of an affair but it was all she could think about since meeting Roger.

She did not hear from Roger for several months after that chance meeting. It was as though they had never happened.  Then out of the blue, she decided to send him a text. “I have a fantasy and it involves you,” she wrote.  He texted back immediately and said I think of you often. What is your fantasy?

Susanne said, I felt we had an attraction but given your “status” we are not a possibility but the attraction plagues me. I do not wish to interfere with your status but I am wondering if you might be interested in a “same time next year” liaison.

Roger said for sure and they met the next night at a local restaurant asking for a table at the back.  The two became close and began kissing before speaking. They left after one drink and checked into a local hotel.  Roger’s wife was away and Susanne told her husband she had a trip out of town. The rest we shall say is “her”story.

Now let’s stop and look at this situation. In every relationship there are hardships that people need to overcome to make the relationship a success, that includes dealing with intimacy and desire. In spite of her feelings for Roger, Susanne might have considered communicating with her husband to talk about her lack of desire to be intimate with him. Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship especially intimate ones, if you cannot figure out a way to communicate on your own there is no shame in seeking the help of a therapist. Is it worth it to sacrifice a marriage and a life for a tryst in the sheets?

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

 

Postpartum Sex...Whats the Real Story?

As a women’s health expert in clinical practice, I am asked to consult with patients who are about to have a baby or have just had a baby and are curious about when they can begin having sex again. Many women have been told that they need to wait the allotted six weeks prior to having sex with their partners. This is simply not true and in fact it is probably a good idea to have sex prior to the requisite six week postnatal check so that the woman has an opportunity to discuss any sexual health problems a couple may encounter.

That said, in actual fact it is a decision that is left up to the couple, and many couples have sex within a few weeks after birth while others may wait months or even a year.  Some couples never have sex again, but that is another #V-Love Diary. There really is not a timeframe that is considered normal.

It is not unusual for new moms to have a decreased interest in sex and there is a plethora or reasons, from discomfort due to episiotomy and the required stitches or a bruised and sensitive perineum from delivery. Either way woman may be fearful to engage in sexual relations right away. It is a good idea to allow for healing and letting any stitches dissolve prior to having sex.  Remember, sexual intercourse does not have to happen the first time you feel sensuous or aroused.   Choose a comfortable position for sex and it may be a good idea to use a lubricant like #V-Love when you do have sex after having given birth to your baby.

Many women are so focused on their baby that their partner may feel forgotten. A new mom is often very tired and quite frankly may just be too tired for sex.  Fatigue is a very common reason for low sexual desire which is why it is important for new moms to take care of themselves and not take on too much. It is not unusual for new moms to want to do everything while tending to their little bundle of joy. Let’s be honest they are not always bundles of joy, and this can contribute to fatigue.

A woman may have hang ups about her body after having delivered a baby.  She may be carrying extra weight, her breasts may be enlarged or engorged from breastfeeding and she may be bleeding vaginally.  She may not feel the sexiest at this time.  It is important that she keep her partner’s sexual needs and urges (especially if her partner is a man) at the forefront and accept this new beautiful body as one that has performed in the most magnificent way.  With good nutrition, exercise and a tincture of time, she will get back to at the very least a semblance of her pre-pregnant state in no time.

If a woman chooses to breastfeed, she may feel like she is on demand all day long and therefore may not be all that inspired to have her partner, caress, kiss, lick or touch her in a sensual way.  Being over weight, tired and out of shape may make a woman feel less than interested in sex at all. That too is OK and it is fine for her to voice that to her partner. Keeping the communication up is often just as good as keeping other things up!

See your doctor or midwife if sexual pain persists past the first few times and or if there is any foul smelling vaginal discharge.  The best advice is enjoy your baby, go easy on yourself and make your relationship with your partner a priority now and forever. Don’t leave your partner to fend for themselves so keep them in the ring!

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

Little Pink Pill

We’ve come a long way baby, so to speak given the advisory board to the US FDA’s recommendation to approve a “little pink pill” for low sexual desire in women. Whether or not this particular option for women will prove to send hoards of ladies back to the bedroom remains to be seen. But one thing is clear, the mere fact that this “Pink Viagra” will more than likely be approved by the US FDA sends a message to women the world over. Women matter and so does their sexual desire.

Much has been maligned about the pharmaceutical industry’s intent to find the panacea for the problems women face around sexual desire.  The sought after sex pill was thought to have been a testosterone tablet for women but that does not seem to have the muscle to lift libido for ladies.

Back in 2008-2009, I was running clinical trials at the BC Centre for Sexual Medicine where some of the pivotal trials were run that tested the benefits and risks of flibnaserin, now commonly referred to as “Pink Viagra.”  When I put an ad in the Vancouver Sun newspaper recruiting women for these research trials the hypoactive sexual desire disorder study for pre-menopausal women, the response was overwhelming as five hundred women called sheepishly confessing the same sentiment; your ad (about low sexual desire) spoke to me. 

Most of the study participants were women in their twenties and thirties in heterosexual relationships, not taking antidepressants, with no major medical problems.  Finally, somebody spoke to them about a subject with which they were all too familiar and seemingly wildly ashamed about.  Their libido was lost and they had no idea why.   Common to the flock of these damsels in distress (also inclusion criteria) was the fact that they all were in committed relationships and wanted to stay that way.  Those with other sexual dysfunction like sexual aversion disorder were eliminated during the screening process.

No longer did these women with once robust sexual desire feel alone and confused.   There was hope for happiness in the bedroom. There were many flaws with this study including some of the endpoints but perhaps by far the biggest flaw was that same sex female couples were excluded. From my clinical practice I know that women and men for that matter in same sex couples also bear the secret burden of low sexual desire.  

The response from some of the male partners was interesting as well.  One man in particular comes to mind because he feared this little pink pill might push his wife out onto the street in search of sex from anyone who walked by.  Well now that we have the results of the study, we know one additional sexual event per month was hardly something to fear.    He refused to allow her to enter the study, one sign of the control he had over her.  Neurotransmitter issues are not the only reason for low sexual desire in women, relationship woes will wither desire and rightly so.

My perception of this taboo subject was that it was quite topical at the time and when I was invited to be a guest on CKNW, the then radio host, now premier Christy Clark asked me what subject I would like to talk about. When I suggested hypoactive sexual desire disorder in women and explained why, she was all for discussing this secret shame that many women were dealing with on this otherwise business and politics popular show. 

The response on the show was colossal as well and low sexual desire in women is a subject I continue to speak about and educate on in my clinical practice, at the multitude of speaking engagements to which I am invited and of course on the CKNW Sunday Night Sex Show because it is an important health and relationship subject.

During a recent keynote presentation at a health conference, I discussed low sexual desire and so many women’s heads were shaking up and down. They knew of what I spoke.  But probably the most poignant was one thirty something married and monogamous woman who said, “I am glad to know I am normal because I am not the only one.“

Normal I asked? Is it normal to be in a sexless relationship and completely cut your partner off from a satisfying sex life? If you do not desire him, are you OK if he desires someone else to meet his biological sexual urges and drives?   Is low sexual desire something women are to accept? Do we pretend that female sexual desire lacks health benefits in terms of sleep, mood and pain?  Do we keep sexual desire tied up in this mysterious shroud of shame? I think not. 

To that end, perhaps the most potent part of the “little pink pill” is to educate women about their sexuality and that sexual desire is paramount to a healthy life and relationship.  We may have come a long way but it has taken much adieu to get here.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

Every Woman BC

#V-Love made it’s debut at the Every Woman 2015 event held at Whistler, British Columbia a few weekends ago.   The response to #V-Love a new sexual desire gel/lubricant was overwhelming!  The women were very happy to finally have an option that may increase their sexual desire and decrease discomfort during sex. 

There were a number of health care practitioners including a women’s health doctor, a fitness doula and a pelvic floor physiotherapist, all of whom remarked how grateful they were to finally have something to offer their patients for low sexual desire.

On Saturday afternoon, I presented my “Sexual Desire Talk” to a packed room of women anxious to learn about how they could live a healthier and more fulfilled sex life especially during times of life like pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, peri-menopause and post menopause.

Low sexual desire is common and may happen at any time during a woman’s life.  Ladies, it’s time to get back to the bedroom and women need to be sure their relationship is on the front burner.  Having good self esteem and even better sexual self - esteem is vital to a great sex life.  Being fit through healthy eating and physical exercise is key to feeling good about oneself.  Keeping an eye on being sexy through fantasy, thoughts, dirty talk and toys will keep the fires burning.

Many of the women perused and purchased the sex toys that were available for sale. It is important to use a water-based lubricant like #V-Love with sex toys so they don’t disintegrate.  Many women had never used a vibrator before and decided to take the plunge after listening to the “sextalk.”  Some women who had used a vibrator wanted to take their pleasure to the next level and purchased more advanced toys like the Intensity, a device I call the “gymnasium for the pelvic floor”.

All in all it was a great weekend! I reconnected with women from years past, met new friends, heard wonderful stories of love, loss, heartache, rebirth, affairs, rejuvenation and more.   Physical activity is the karyon of the conference but much more happens in terms of learning, bonding and networking. #GirlPower

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

A Reason to Stray

A patient by the name of Cathy came to see me one day because she wanted to talk about her sexless marriage.  Cathy was a forty-five year old professional, mother of three who has been married for twenty years to a man twenty-three years her senior. Due to her husband’s erectile dysfunction they had not had sex in about four years. 

Her husband refused to speak to his doctor about his erection issues because the doctor was a member of their community and he felt ashamed to discuss the subject with him.  I explained to Cathy that erectile dysfunction is a common condition and that it may also be a sign of cardiovascular disease and it would be wise for him to have that checked out.  I advised Cathy that there are sexual health services in the form of a sex therapist and she seemed to think that he might be receptive to seeing one and having this explained.

Cathy had a very high sexual desire and having not had her sexual needs met for several years she sought out sex from another man. At first she said it was purely a “service” relationship, but more recently she developed feelings for this man.  It is  not uncommon for women to develop feelings in an intimate relationship due to the release of dopamine by women during sex which is a bonding hormone often referred to as  “the cuddle hormone.”

As it happens her lover was a friend of her husband’s and so he recently decided to cool things off as he was getting nervous their relationship would be found out and this may impact his business activity.

I asked Cathy, if her husband had his erectile dysfunction treated, would she be happy to end her affair with her husband’s colleague?  Interestingly, she said yes.  So I suggested she speak to her husband about making an appointment with me or another sex therapist and that she accompany him. For the sake of their relationship I hope they decide to seek help from a therapist to help guide them down the right path so they may be able to reignite the v-loving feeling in their relationship.

Sexual health issues are related to overall health and relationships and there is often something that belies the problem.  It is important that couples communicate about sex on this level.  If a person is in a relationship, it is their responsibility to ensure they are healthy both in and out of the bedroom. A healthy sex life is a barometer for good health. Speak to your doctor or sex therapist about any issues.  Therapy is a gift you give to yourself.

 For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

STIs: Knowledge is Power

 

Haley was a busy mom of five school age children who worked outside of the home as a chartered accountant.  She had been married to Liam for twenty years and had not had sex with him since the last child was born six years prior.  She knew this was unhealthy and not normal making life at home very challenging, as it created a tremendous amount of tension in their relationship. This impacted their relationship and unbeknownst to them likely affected their children.

Haley and I discussed inter-relational issues and finance troubles they had had over the years, which brought them to this place where sex was not important.  Liam had recently inherited a sizeable amount of money from an uncle, which seemed to have helped to get them back on track, taking some of the pressure off and seemed to help them get along better.  At least they were able to discuss and enjoy some of life’s simple pleasures now that they were able to pay off some debt and ward off creditors.

Haley was uncomfortable with initiating sex again and she had not even discussed this with Liam. They had almost gotten used to this “sexless way of life.”  We talked about ensuring she was not experiencing vaginal dryness and that especially in the beginning she may need lubrication like V-Love which is a lubricant as well as a sexual desire gel.

Given the biological differences between men and women and the need men have for sex, along with suspicions that Haley had about Liam's fidelity,  I suggested there was a possibility that Liam had gone outside of the relationship and may have had sex with other women during their "dry spell”. Therefore I felt compelled to discuss the possibility of Haley contracting a sexually transmitted infection (STI).  I suggested that both of them go for sexual health testing. 

Despite her suspicions Haley was fairly confident Liam had not strayed. Besides she said who would want to have sex with him anyway, he is usually so miserable and negative. I told Haley her sentiment may not be share by other women.  Pleasure is the priority when men stray and the "other woman" often gets the best in a man because they are not dealing with day to day marital issues which can drag a couple down. This is probably why so many "other women" are surprised when their lover does not typically leave their spouse, but that is another post.  I suggested that Haley at least insist Liam use condoms during sex. Haley appreciated my suggestion but felt it did not apply in her case.

Several weeks later Haley returned to my clinic urgently. She was understandably very upset and asked me to look at some new lesions below her waist.  She and Liam had had sex only once since our last visit and within a few weeks she developed genital sores.  It appeared to be herpes and further STI testing confirmed my suspicion.

As it turns out Liam fessed up that while on a business trip, his boss had brought hookers in to provide oral sex to all of the male marketing agents in the company. He explained to Haley that he could not say no under the circumstances as he felt pressure during the session.  Plus, he added, well you weren't having sex with me anyway so I was desperate. 

Well I am not so sure I fully believe Liam but Haley did and that was what was important.  Herpes is an extremely common contagious viral infection. Many people are angry, confused and upset with the diagnosis. There is treatment available and the following few tips may decrease outbreaks; 

  • Maintaining general good health
  • Stress Management
  • Increasing Lysine and L-arginine in your diet

 Women with genital herpes should not skip their pap smear.   I remember thinking how sad it was that Haley had contracted an STI.  That said it is an extremely common and contagious infection. 

Sexual health is an extremely important subject and education is key.  No one is really immune from an STI and this situation would certainly impact Haley’s relationship but with the right mindset, understanding of circumstances and taking a look at herself and her role in this most unfortunate situation, Haley would come to grips with her diagnosis.   Life is a gravel road and we usually will become stronger when we deal with and/or conquer life’s challenges.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

 

                                  

Attitude is Altitude

Amy, a fifty something woman recently married for the second time a man who lived outside of the country but only about two hours away. They saw each other exclusively on weekends. At the youthful age of 47 her husband Mark was diagnosed with prostate cancer and underwent the surgical removal of his prostate commonly known as a “nerve sparing” radical prostatectomy. During his surgery, Mark’s doctor accidentally “nicked” a vessel, which supplied blood to his penis.  As a result Mark deals with significant erectile dysfunction.

 Mark told Amy about his prostate cancer and erectile dysfunction on their second date. Amy said for her it was love at first sight and she was so attracted to Mark that she was willing to see the relationship through. After all, she said, as you know, there are many other things couples can do in terms of sexual pleasure and Mark is still able to orgasm.

 What Mark has is what is referred to as a “dry orgasm.”  A lay, person, may call this dry ejaculation, because a man can reach sexual climax but doesn’t release (ejaculate) semen from the penis — or releases very little semen.  Dry orgasm usually isn't a cause for concern unless a man wants to father a child.  In time, many men say a dry orgasm feels normal and it does not impede them from a satisfying sex life.

 Amy said that she and her husband had sought counseling for his erection difficulties and had tried a number of the available options like lifestyle modifications, a penis pump or vacuum, medications like Alprostadil which is a type of medicine that causes blood vessels to expand by increasing blood flow to the penis which helps facilitate an erection.  None of the popular PDE5 inhibitors like Viagra, Cialis, Levitra or Staxyn worked for Mark even though he was psychologically aroused, had a normal testosterone level and tried them five or six times as advised.

 Amy came to see me because she wanted to be sure there were no other treatment options available for Mark. He was a bit reluctant to talk about his erectile dysfunction as many men are. I suggested to Amy that Mark may want to look into the Elator which is a supportive device for the penis that may help with penetrative sex.  An Elator is a supportive device for penis that is made of medical grade silicone, is easy to apply in less than ten seconds and has a French Tickler. Amy liked the idea of this and thought she would mention it to Mark who was willing to try it because he so desperately missed the kind of intimacy that only penetrative sex offers since his surgery. Amy and Mark used the Elator and were surprised and delighted as to how much it enhanced their relationship. 

 Erectile dysfunction does not mean the end to a satisfying intimate relationship. It just means you engage in intimate relations a bit differently, but you do it your way. There are many pleasurable ways to be intimate with men who have erectile dysfunction. Attitude is altitude! With the right attitude and possibly devices a man with Erectile Dysfunction can rise to the occasion and get back to the bedroom more and more.

 For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

So Sweet Yet So Deadly for Sexual Desire

So Sweet Yet So Deadly for Sexual Desire

Low sexual desire is a common occurrence today and most women can relate to experiencing this at one point or another in their relationship.  According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV, the American Psychiatric Association’s classification and diagnostic tool, lack of desire (classified as HSDD or hypo-active sexual desire disorder, or female sexual interest/arousal disorder) and the related anxiety it causes, is the most common of women’s sexual complaints. What woman can’t relate to “just not having that loving feeling,” at one time or another.

There are many reasons for low sexual desire including relationship troubles, hormones, fatigue, medical conditions and medications. But whoever would have thought something so sweet like sugar could lead to low libido.   Well once you realize just how deadly sugar can be for your sexual desire, you will put that donut right down realizing the benefit is that you might have more desire to “get down.”

For starters, sugar lowers your testosterone levels. Yes, women have testosterone as well but smaller amounts of it.  The insulin resistance that accompanies a high sugar diet lowers testosterone in women.  When blood sugar levels are high, the clitoral congestion is less because the blood flow is decreased. Call it female erectile dysfunction.

Sugar is an energy thief. High glycemic index foods quickly elevate your blood sugar levels, which, makes you produce much more insulin than what is needed to bring your blood sugar down.  These sugar highs and lows lead to dips in energy resulting in fatigue, one of the main reasons for low sexual desire.

Whether a woman is hormonal or stressed (no they are not one in the same) the cravings for sugar are ignited.  Sugar is inflammatory and leads to stress in your body elevating one’s cortisol levels. Furthermore sugar is stored as fat in the body. Fat means weight gain and weight gain can leave a woman feeling less than sexy. What woman wants to have a romantic interlude when they are not feeling sexy?

Sugar is not sexy and I recommend to all of my patients to cut it out of their diets.  High sugar leads to low blood flow and sex is all about the blood flow (second to the brain of course).  Many patients do not realize just how much sugar they are consuming in their diets, even without the consumption of sugary snacks but sugar hides in foods like processed carbohydrates, flour and alcohol.  Fruits, fruit snacks, juices and even carrots have high sugar content or a high glycemic index.

So if you want to reduce the sugar in your diet, go for a low glycemic index diet and watch your sex drive kick into top gear!

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

 

Are you Sexually Active.......

It’s funny I can always count on two things when I ask people in my clinical practice if they are sexually active;  men will usually say yes and may even boast a bit, whereas women on the other hand will never give me a yes or no. Rather, they will say something like, “yes, no, maybe, no, I don’t know” or some variation thereof.

 Today I asked Margaret, a a senior patient of mine if she was sexually active and true to form her answer was not yes or no, it was, “I suppose you could say that I am,” she said with a chuckle.  She then burst out laughing! She explained that although she engaged in sex with her husband of sixty years, it was none too frequent any more and half the time she said she did not enjoy it. 

 In her infinite wisdom,  Margaret said most women never talk about whether or not they enjoy sex and I think they are ashamed to say it if they do.  By the same token, women don’t want to say they do enjoy it because there is a societal shame associated with that as well.  Margaret said there are times when she enjoys having sex but for the most part, she is thinking, “you woke me up for that?”

Now this little Irish lady has got me laughing! But she is right and she has probably provided me the wisdom (as the Irish tend to) as to why I never get a straight answer from women about whether or not they are sexually active. A paradigm shift needs to take place when it comes to female sexuality and women need to proclaim their place in the bedroom and find comfort in the knowledge that being sexually active is healthy and pleasurable.

 We can learn a lot from the women who came before us. (Pun intended, of course). We as women need to feel comfortable with our sexuality and ditch any shame.  Margaret could not have agreed with me more and said “after all, look at me, I am eighty years old and still having sex, even if I don’t always enjoy it. But that is OK too.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health

The Female Sexual Response Cycle

Whenever I give a sexual health presentation for a group of women, I will ask the crowd if any of them are familiar with the female sexual response cycle. The reason that I ask this is because I feel very strongly that women understand this concept in order for them to know what to expect in their intimate lives.

Rarely has anyone ever been familiar with the female sexual response when I pose the question. The answers I receive are everything from “no” to “I think I have heard of that and the best answer ever being “you are not talking about a sex toy, right?”  Right, not talking about a sex toy but understanding the female sexual response cycle will help a woman if she plays with sex toys; self stimulates or engages in intimate relations with another person.   

I have taken it upon myself to educate women about the female sexual response cycle so they understand what is happening to their bodies when engaging in intimate relations with themselves or others. Understanding how a woman’s body works is helpful in knowing when things go wrong and also how to treat sexual health dysfunctions like low sexual desire, arousal issues and anorgasmia (inability to experience orgasm). 

To that end, the traditional female sexual response cycle is a linear model that was based upon the work performed by the infamous sex researchers Dr. William Masters and Virginia Johnson (Masters and Johnson) in the 1950’s.  Prior to their research which involved couples having sex in their lab, female sexuality and orgasm was poorly understood. Their research is the foundation for much of what we know about sexuality and sexual function today.

 In their groundbreaking research, Masters and Johnson detailed different stages of physiological changes that occur in women during sexual stimulation:

  •  desire or interest in sex;
  •  arousal or excitement;
  •  plateau (a steady state of pleasure prior to release or orgasm);
  •  orgasm; and
  •  resolution. 

Knowing and understanding the female sexual response cycle can make sex more pleasurable and enjoyable. So now you know about the female sexual response cycle.

For more information on sexual desire, please visit: www.enertopia.com/sexual-health